Waiting on the Light

I think I existed before I knew you. I’m not sure.  You.  I can’t describe how you undo me. I think about you when there’s nothing to do and everything to do.  You.  You are nothing like anyone and everything like everything I want.  If you knew the way you make me feel. If you knew.  You are every thought I care to think, and I can’t remember before you. What did I think about before you?  You. 

I came to a fork in the road. Two remarkably different roads diverged from the fork.  Everything I wanted was down the rough road. Everything I didn’t want was down the easy/smooth road. Every day for decades I chose the easy road. I acquired a life I didn’t recognize, filled with other people’s goals and dreams. And then one day I thought about that fork, and I started to wonder if I could go back and choose the other path. I wondered what my life would be like if I took the hard road. It started in the very edges of my thoughts and then over time it got more and more insistent until no thought, but it, could be held. Could I go back and try the hard road? Would I lose everything I acquired? Would I even care if I lost it? The risk seemed daunting. So I edged back. I didn’t run, I didn’t dive and claw my way back... I edged, looking over my shoulder with every inch. And things started to fall away. Slowly, silently, almost imperceptibly things began to fade as I inched back....

I forgot this existed until today. I'm 35 now. And life has been interesting in the last 10 years. I won't go into the history of things today because I think I'll reminisce and write blogs about specific things as they come up. Maybe. We'll see. I don't have a great track record with transparency. But I have a couple of life changes coming up this year and I'm hoping for some place to write about them for posterity. Josh is in Canada right now for a job interview. I've been wrong often before, but I'd be surprised if he doesn't end up there. Which will be crazy. I had an interview/interrogation last week with a job in Corpus, so we'll be super far away from each other if both scenarios work out. I have another job waiting for me if it doesn't. Praying about it. This is a boring first blog. No salacious reveals or funny anecdotes. Just a starter. The vivid descriptions and tawdry deets will come with time.

I've recently discovered something major. Okay... let me preface this by saying that it's not major, and it's actually really basic, but everyone knows you need a first sentence that's an attention grabber. I've known what I'm about to tell you, on a service level, since I was the age that I grasped such hard concepts as: It's not ever appropriate to do #2 in your pants... and if you accidentally do #1, and you're not already in a pool, find said pool and quickly jump into it so nobody will notice. So, I'm saying that I've known this for at least 3 or 4 years, so don't think that I'm just now thinking of it. But here it is: If I don't do my life the way I want to, or be who I should be, then no one's going to care... no one's going to show up and make me. I used to think my mom would someday magically understand me, and then say that thing that I needed to hear that would make me do the things I needed to do, to be the person ...

Matt Chandler (click on his name to see video)

I love this movie. I watched it again last night and was laughing like it was my birthday (there's always excessive laughing on my birthday) and singing loudly and badly (I recorded myself so I can verify that it was truly terrible) at the top of my lungs to all the songs. When I was in practicum in seminary they did this thing where we would start each new class with a little morsel of humorous or interesting information about ourselves. Our leaders would come up with a question like, what's your favorite song, movie, type of icecream and we'd all shout out our answers...some a little too enthusiastically if you ask me, Butter Pecan is not a flavor to be so proud of. I can't remember the guys name (even though he was too attractive for his own good) so I'll call him Fergus. So one day Fergus asked us all what our favorite movie was and everyone was shouting out their answers and I was relieved because I knew the answer to this one (I was a little shaky with my resp...

Not all the time... like not when they smell bad, or are annoying, or unattractive, or dull, or dumb, or fat, or too skinny, or too pretty, or their skin is bad, or when they don't do what I think they should, or when they laugh too hard, or don't laugh enough, or they dress badly, or dress too trendy, or when they like stupid music, or they take their music tastes too seriously, or when they make dumb jokes, or when they walk too slow, or when they are depressed for too long, or when their problems seem petty and they think they're really important, or when they are needy, desperate, fragile, or stubborn, or when they call when I'm doing something 'important' or when they make fun of me, or when they think I'm lame, or when they don't answer when I call, or when I need them and they aren't available, or when they're mean to me. ...or when they aren't exactly like I think they should be. Is there anyone left? Maybe I don't love people.

And He said, What will it be now? Will you choose me or keep swimming up stream now? I've been inside your head hearing you scream out. Well here I am, just take my hand and I'll take out All of the pain and all of the fear. ~ by Jonny Lang

I just looked at autopsy photos. I don't recommend it... unless you're planning to be a crime scene investigator or something, in which case I wonder about your sanity. I think something's wrong with those people.... Medical examiners too, those people have got to be mentally checked out, or aliens... or both. I think a lot about things that I've found make other people really uncomfortable. I say that only because I have a tendency (as do most people) to talk about what I think about... and people freak out. One such subject is death. I've found that people are kind've superstitious about death. If I tell someone that I love them and hope they have a good life when I leave, and drop a 'just in case I die' they immediately respond with something along the line that I shouldn't talk like that. I'm used to that but lately I've been turning around and asking why? do they think that if I say something like that, it will make it more likely that...

I was sick the week before I was supposed to take the NCE in Dec. and I moved it to Jan. 9th. Now I'm sick again. It's highly unpleasant and suspicious.

This article blows my mind. "On Thursday, the U.S. dollar traded for about 600 million Zimbabwe dollars, and the hyperinflation was expected to continue."

I saw this on 22 words and I, too, was confused why it has 1.2 million views (many millions more with all the remixes and versions of it). I have watched it about 10x's now and it does make me happy! Now I can't help but laugh with him.

I feel like it's necessary to write a new blog since I'm in a new location. As you can see all of my old blogs have been moved over here and I no longer have any on Josh's (shout-out!) This is better. I can be a girl over here (discuss the varying degrees of hotness of certain football players..such as Matt Ryan single-handedly keeping the theory that quarterbacks are hot, afloat) and not feel self-conscious about Josh's brain looming all over the page. This page looks and feels more like me too. My first thing to write about will be my nights and days being mixed up. This happens to me a lot, and is the case right now. It's 5:34am. I can stay awake much easier than I can fall asleep so it seems no matter what I do I always end up staying up all night. Someone told me that once I have a job and normal hours that it will stop, but I'm skeptical. When I was at Southwestern I had a job, full-time school, and practicum and I still was up all hours of the night.

I have too many options, and not enough passion about any of them. Trying to make a decision like that is difficult.

One of my besties, Danielle, is in China. Thursday she was walking to her Chinese language class, and she saw two guys come up to a woman in front of her. One distracted the woman while the other reached into her purse for her wallet. Danielle (feeling the woman's pain because her wallet got stolen the 1st month she was there) shouted "NO!" which scared the guys, and one of them grabbed the purse and ran... Danielle chased him, and tackled him. He looked like he was about to hit her so she punched him in the face which made his nose bleed! So, the woman got her purse back. Danielle was taken to the police station and got a hand shake from them and was sent on her way. HAHAHAHAHAHA! How frikkin awesome is that?! I'm not surprised though because when we were in college we had a Delta Chi Rho party at our house (we were roommates) and some drunk men showed up. Danielle and I went to the door to see what was going on while the rest of the girls ran screaming (no joke) to ...

Oh, man Oh man, Oh man Oh man! I said I wouldn't say anything else about football BUT I have a new thing that I'm hoping for . (the very end) oh man.

This is exactly what I thought would happen if OU won. I think it would've happened even if they won by 1 pt.... effin computers. I'm going to try not to talk about football on here so much... it's just that I have no one to talk about it to. Josh'll be home this week though and so I'll have an outlet once again.

let's hope 45-35 matters.